8 hard things you need to hear as you set out to make a major life change — Part 1
Not everyone is ready or willing to come on this journey with you.
When I first discovered the book This Naked Mind by Annie Grace, the knowledge I gathered was what I like to call game-changing. What I learned about alcohol in that book was so powerful that I didn’t even let it fully sink into my own system before I was halfway out the door and up the street wanting to shout it to anyone who would listen. I bombarded my friends and husband with the facts that were stacking up in my mental files, shining a bright light onto this habit that everyone was still very much partaking in, and calling it for what it was. Of course I would be met with unsettled side glances!
At the time, I was still looking outside of myself for validation to tell me that this endeavor was worthwhile. Of course, my true self knew that I wanted to stop drinking at this point, however; part of me still wallowed in my failure to get everyone else on board. My independence was still on shaky ground and I often believed I needed a “buddy” to kick things off.
I suddenly lost sight of my personal decision and was quickly shifting my focus and energy into becoming a convincer/mind-changer. This is sketchy terrain designed to slip us up.
Similarly, before I established my daily walking routine, which I absolutely savor these days, I remember having walking partners. We would sometimes meet, sometimes not. If something came up and the other person couldn’t make it happen, I would often end up dropping the ball. This behavior, once again reflected the power I placed on external motivators and how much more inclined I was to show up for others while quick to cancel on myself.
Bottom line: Not everyone will come with you and you will lose sight of your goals while you wait. Don’t wait.
2. You may have to throw your own confetti at times
When you first start off on your new path, it can be disorienting. The first few days or weeks of not picking up a drink are HUGE! And deserve to be acknowledged and celebrated! It is important to take moments to recognize your little wins, even and especially when there may be crickets at times. Getting used to being your own cheerleader is super important and will work wonders for keeping you focused and on track when it can feel like you are out there in no man’s land.
The truth is, people don’t intentionally not show up for us. They are simply caught up in their day to day lives to notice some of the progress we are making. While others may be too afraid to draw attention to our progress because it may force them to look at their own habits or behaviors that they may not be ready or willing to face.
Therefore; it is our job to pick up that slack and practice ways to acknowledge our own progress and intentionally surround ourselves with like-minded people who can mirror it back to us when it’s still hard for us to see. Every step matters.
3. Be ready for what comes between the dreaming and the doing
What comes between the dreaming and the doing is the trying and the failing. Multiple. Times.
As discouraging and disheartening it can be sometimes; this trial and error space is actually the sweet spot for growth. It gives us ample opportunity to get to know ourselves as we iron out the kinks, get curious and honest about what’s working and what’s not, then use that information to pivot in a different direction when necessary.
Our brains are wired for protection. When we are facing new terrain, our natural instincts are always going to gear up to avoid pain and discomfort. This means that our fear of failure actually prevents us from even making it to the trying. This keeps us stuck.
Our culture places high stakes on sobriety and there is a common misconception that when you “fall off the wagon,” you are starting from square one. This is one of the only areas of personal growth that anything less than 100% is a perceived failure. When we can view temporary lapses as data points, we can gather information and begin to learn from them. When we do this, we shift our focus away from a complete derailment to a slight detour with an opportunity to pick up where we left off.
Starting to look at our mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning helps us to focus on what can be gained from the overall experience and how we can take action moving forward.
4. Expect the “dilemma”
I am talking about that thing that sneaks up on you when you’ve had a few great moments stacked up over a few awesome days or weeks, even months. Things are finally looking up, you feel supported and inspired. You’ve gotten glimpses of the possibilities that lie ahead and then BAM! The dilemma appears, threatening to derail you.
When the dilemma comes up, you will believe you have to choose between two things. Note to self: ultimatums are huge red flags!
The dilemma will be disguised as your inner voice guiding you when all it is really designed to do is divert your focus.
I learned about this particular road block while reading Who You Were Meant to Be by Dr. Lindsay Gibson, and am now able to recognize it in my own life as it comes up.
The dilemma recently visited me when I was about to finalize my first blog post. I was feeling creative energy flowing through me and I was putting more intentional focus into my writing. In the midst of this, a sore on my daughter’s foot ended up getting infected. The voice in my head started pitching its familiar story, “You are so busy with your writing that you didn’t even notice your daughter’s foot was infected?! What kind of mother are you?”
This tricky scenario creeped up and attempted to knock me right off my feet. BAM! I was suddenly presented with this ultimatum–the belief that I had to choose between being a good mom or nurturing my personal goal of writing.
Having this new awareness allowed me to take my daughter to the doctor, get her the care she needed AND later that night when the dust settled, resume working on my current project with a clear conscience, free of the guilt and self-blame that would normally be present following this type of scenario.
The truth is, all or nothing thinking is outdated. It is something that we originally learn in childhood that we have now outgrown as adults.
As adults, we have the ability to hold multiple things at once, come up with creative solutions, and learn ways to keep doing the things we once felt that we had to choose between.
When we put energy and care into ourselves, all of the people in our lives benefit. Be wary of the times when you believe you have to give up on something that truly fills you up in order to not lose something of equal importance. There is room for all the good things to grow in our lives.
©Laura Weston 2023
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Laura is a sensitive soul who believes in the healing power of writing. This space is a glimpse into her inner world as she uses language and story as an act of self-care. This is a place for hope, personal growth, inspiration, and reflection. A world that finds beauty in the subtle details, where we can invite the truths of our humanity to come to the surface and be seen.
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